The first thing I really heard about Bikram yoga was this, "Bikram yoga is f**king murder."

That did it. I stayed clear of ever having to be near anyone or anything that might have to do with or talk about this murderous yoga. The yoga I knew was charming and peaceful and it came from a book my mom bought for me when I was about six years old. It was illustrated and written for children with animal names instead of the Sanskrit names for the poses. Yoga for Children by Erene Cheki Haney and Ruth Richards came out in 1973 and I have held onto this book my whole life.

I haven't always practiced yoga. I have dabbled for years but I have been absolutely free of yoga most of my life.

Currently, I am in the, "I have to get back into practice," mode because I haven't been to a class in maybe a month. Okay, probably a month plus. And this is how I feel: constant tension in my shoulders, dehydrated, achy, unhappy, fat. I won't say that yoga eradicates these feelings entirely but I do feel so much better with a regular practice. I feel happier, stronger, healthy, tall, and calmer when I engage in the activity I know my body and mind are begging for.

The last classes I went to were exhausting and sweaty. I also had a sinus problem that almost entirely closed off my nostrils from extracting oxygen from the 100 degree air. I'd hoped the humidity in the studio would help my nasal passages to open but instead I gasped and tried to ignore my respiratory problem. I also didn't bring a towel until the third class and even then it was bunching up and breaking my focus. Not the best start with Hatha yoga but I will admit to the emotion I was hoping I'd feel: I miss that class.

I'm the kind of person who will search for excuses not to do things. Having a time regimented and predictable schedule is intrinsic to my success at anything. I am not very good at this. When I started practicing yoga in public, I had one instructor twice per week, at the same time in the morning. Then I started going to an additional evening class taught by a different instructor. All was well. I was losing those feelings of the insecure beginner and becoming very comfortable at Tamarack Wellness Center. Until my instructor announced he was moving to another state and my other instructor went to Italy and my membership expired and my credit card wouldn't go through and there were five people behind me just waiting to get to class. I lost it. I lost that loving feeling.

Then an instructor that had subbed in the mornings became a regular teacher and I was getting down with the pigeon and the dolphin like I was meant to do. My body was accomplishing asanas I'd never dreamed of. This lady played fun music during class and had the voice of a confidant, a loved one, of inner inspiration. I was back and I loved it. Then the season schedule changed and I...lost it again.

She's teaching at another studio, Just Breathe, and I anticipate signing up this coming week. I'm also e.shopping for an absorbent mat so I can get back to ZenSpot hot yoga. I need to do this. I will not make it through this, my fortieth winter, without yoga.